I’m planning to write about Pride weekend before the month
is over, but something incredibly important needs to take priority on this
little baby blog. It simply couldn’t wait another second. That's right, I need
to talk about Lifetime Movies.
No, this isn’t a post about the A Deadly Adoption, the
newest Lifetime Original Movie staring Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell, but it is
what prompted me to want to wax poetic about Lifetime Movies, so let’s start
there.
This past weekend I excitedly recorded A Deadly Adoption to
my terrible DVR box and after hitting up our new restaurant of the month (18
months running!), Kathy, Jill and I settled in to watch it.
It was perfect and there were a lot of literal laughing out
loud moments and one particular moment that may perfectly display my personality – when I
asked out loud if Lifetime knew that this was a joke. You know, because I
didn’t want Lifetime to have hurt feelings.
You guys, here’s the thing. It might have been two famous
comedic actors starring in this movie, but it’s not really a joke. Everything in it
was exactly how a Lifetime movie works. And I LOVE Lifetime movies.
Seriously. During the viewing of this one I saw ads for two
more that I want to watch and when I discovered that it was too early to add
them to my DVR, I simply noted them in my phone. A Perfect High and The Full
House Story? I’m coming for you.
Though A Deadly Adoption really drove home the dangers of
ketoacidosis and taught me that simply falling in a lake can cause you to
miscarry, it was not one of my favorite Lifetime Movies. Thus, I bring you
Manda’s Incredibly Important List of Top Three Lifetime Original Movies.
#3 – Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Cyber Seduction is the story of how Peter Pan gets addicted
to internet porn. He discovers that porn exists when he’s 16 (which seems old
to me, but he’s pretty sheltered.) There’s porn played at parties! He gets
caught by his mother looking at porn websites! He downloads porn to his
girlfriend’s PDA so he can keep looking at it during swim practice! HER PDA,
GUYS!!
Eventually he tries to hook up with his classmate who
happens to star in porn (16. They’re 16.) and he gets beat up and then tries to
drown himself. Don’t worry – he doesn’t and his addition is gone. Phew, was
worried there that this Lifetime movie wouldn’t have the required happy ending.
#2 – She’s Too Young
Everybody’s favorite Lifetime movie! She’s Too Young is the
story of a sheltered teen virgin. She’s kind of nerdy and smart but a popular
boy at school ends up paying attention to her! He’s a well known man-whore
(they’re children!) and she hesitates to hook up with him. Of course, she hooks
up with him BUT GUESS WHAT? Everyone at this school is just having sex parties
all the time and there’s clearly no sex-ed, much like most of the country
today, so everyone fucking gets syphilis. Including this sweet little nerdy
girl.
The best part of She’s Too Young isn’t the syphilis. It
isn’t the weird social media slut shaming that happens to baby-face-McGee. It’s
her mother. She tries to tell all the other parents about the syphilis outbreak
and most don’t care (geez mom, how embarrassing). She shows up at parties to
find her STD-ridden daughter (ugh mom, you’re humiliating me). In the end everyone
is sad about the indiscriminate sex and cries a lot followed by your requisite
“wait to have sex” PSA.
#1 – When Friendship Kills
This one is my longstanding favorite. Me and this movie are
BFFs forever. It came out when I was in highschool and it is incredibly After
School Special. In fact, I likely watched it after school, so there you go.
This is the story of a girl at a new school who makes a
friend at volleyball tryouts. The coach suggests she drop a few pounds and the
two decide to diet together which sets the scene for….you guessed it! Anorexia.
The actress who plays the main character seriously commits, because she looks
like she’s about to drop dead for a lot of this movie.
There’s some drama between the two friends when the new girl goes to
treatment for her eating disorder and her mom snitches that the other girl also
has one. (God, moms just ruin everything.) One of them DIES; I won’t spoil
which one; but the other one sees her smiling spirit while she plays volleyball
in the end. Another happy ending!
It's just all too good.
In conclusion, Lifetime movies may very well be the best
genre of movie out there, and trust me, it is DEFINITELY it’s own genre. Now if
you’ll excuse me, I really need to go make sure the next great masterpiece is
ready and waiting to record.
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