Here’s the thing – I have, what I believe to be, two major
personality flaws that have affected me throughout my entire life. All other
flaws can take a backseat and, let’s be real, are probably just offshoots from
The Two.
The first is that I can’t make a personal decision.
Sometimes I’ll go to bed without eating anything because I just can’t choose
what to cook. I’m also that amazingly fun girl in social situations who, when
asked where they want to do, will always respond with “I dunno, what do you
wanna do?” It took me approximately 10,000 years to just start this blog up
again because I couldn’t be sure that I really wanted to do it.
The second is that I just don’t like myself. Every horrible
thing you can think about the way a person looks, acts, and lives are things
that I think about myself. It’s influenced the places I’ve gone, the activities
I’ve participated in, the people I’ve chosen to love. Literally every aspect of
my life is narrated in my head by a voice telling me there’s something wrong
with me.
So, I’m sure you can imagine that sitting down and booking a
one-way flight from NYC to Portland, OR was completely out of character for me.
I had to complete the booking by phone in order to bring my cat along for the
trip and as I explained my plan and what I needed to reserve, my voice got
about 12 octaves higher. I practically screeched the words “one way” and
peppered every sentence with nervous exclamations that everything was awesome.
When I hung up the phone, the first thing I wanted to do was call back and
cancel. “I HAVE 24 HOURS QUICK DO IT NOW” my brain was shouting at me.
But, I didn’t do it.
Instead, I slowly started to tell family, friends, and
co-workers that I had booked this non-refundable one-way ticket. The reactions
were mixed. Some people were excited. Some people were upset. But almost
everyone ending up saying some variation of “I never thought you’d do it.”
Surprise! Neither did I. I’ve been talking for awhile about wanting to leave
Connecticut. In fact, I’ve been doing it since the moment I moved back here
from Boston 8 years ago, so over time it just became word noise in everyone’s
ears, including my own. Now here I was, telling everyone something they already
knew and following it up with the information that I had booked a flight and my
destination was basically as far away from them as I could possibly go.
Once I finally told my boss my plans and put in my official
notice at work, this weird thing started happening where people – some I barely
knew – would come up to me or call and tell me they heard I was leaving and
we’d have the following conversation:
“Where are you moving?”
“Oregon.”
“Do you have a job lined up there?”
“No, not yet”
“Wow, that’s so brave! That’s awesome! Yeah! You’ve just
gotta do it! Just get out there! You’re young! You have no one holding you
back! So brave! What a challenge!”
I’d nervously laugh and say something about hoping it works
out. Then The Two would start to poke at my brain. Was this a mistake? This was
a mistake. Brave!? I’m not brave! Can I just stop this train right now? I mean,
no one is going to hire me and I’m not going to make any friends because I’m so
boring and horrible and did I mention ugly? Hideous, basically. What did they mean
I have no one holding me back? I’m an old maid and no one will ever love me! If
I’m going to be alone forever I might as well be alone forever here where my
couch is and my apartment's okay and my job pays my student loans! These aren’t compliments! These are
veiled criticisms pointing out my impending life failure!
Seriously, thank god no one can hear my thoughts.
And here are the things that my brain forgets when it’s
berating me for being too ugly to live: I want to move because I’m stuck in a
loop here and it’s not a loop that makes me happy. I don’t know what’s going to
make me happy and despite what I tell myself, that really is okay. It’s okay to
still be figuring everything out and maybe I’ll always be figuring everything
out – that doesn’t make me any less than someone who seems to have it all
together. I can be a good and likeable person if I let myself be and yeah,
maybe it is a little brave to sell all of your stuff and move across the
country by yourself.
So, despite myself, in 31 days I’ll be hugging my family
goodbye as they drop me off at JFK and boarding a flight to see what comes next.
